The (mostly) Magic Kingdom

So we spent a full day at the Magic Kingdom, which was nice. It was made nicer by the fact that we gamed the system and passed Samson off as two-on-the-cusp-of-turning-three by putting him in the stroller and playing the "who's 2?" game in the car on the way to the park. If you've never played "who's 2?," it's an easy enough game and entails going around to everyone in the car and asking how old each person is. The correct answer, of course, is two. Even Jane got to play.

I should probably have some Catholic guilt about this, but if he'd been three it would have cost us $60 to get him in. Happiest place on earth or not, it seemed a bit much. Not to mention that there's got to be an upside to the whole "is he a bit small for his age?" thing, right?

So the day started off with us being waved to our parking spots by guys who looked like ushers at a Unification Church wedding. We then waited for the tram to take us to the gate. Vicki, for reasons I'm still unclear on, was in front of me, with the stroller folded and slung on her shoulder, Jane in one arm, and Samson standing next to her holding her hand. When the tram pulled up, a 50-something couple literally jumped in front of her (from the next lane over) to get on the tram. For a moment I was speechless.

I was also, owing to their speed and disregard for children, in a different row.

I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I was sorely tempted to reach across the row --- and across my wife and children, who were seated right next to these Disney enthusiasts --- and land the biggest sucker punch ever landed on the Pluto lot tram.

Of course, I really didn't want Samson's memory of our trip to be "Daddy got arrested" and so managed to seethe quietly until we got off our ride and had our bags checked. Later on in the day, I saw them in front of the Haunted Mansion ride and informed one of the attendants that I'd seen the two of them passing out literature for the American Nazi party.

OK, I didn't really do this, but only because I just thought of it now.

I'll admit to being something of a Disney atheist. It's always had a certain Jonestown meets fannypacks and rides kind of vibe for me. I should explain: My first trip to Disney World was a family vacation that my parents planned for my then 10-year-old sister and me. Of course, my sister and I are four years apart, so I was 14. Do you remember being 14? We spent a week at a very nice place and visited the Magic Kingdom and the rest, and I had fun but I also realized that I'd probably missed the window by a few years. Being taller than Chip and/or Dale kind of puts a damper on the whole thing.

Not to mention the fact that I spent an inordinate amount of time trying to figure out how to a) seem like I was on my own (i.e., not with my parents); b) get the Israeli girls staying at our hotel to notice and be interested in me; and c) get mistaken for a young David Bowie (see objective b). You can guess how it all worked out.

Add to this the fact that I have never been a ride person. I have no fear of heights, but add depths and speed, and I'll pass thank you very much.

Regardless, none of this is to say I don't appreciate the terrific production values of Disney World or the sheer cultural force of the Disney empire.

So anyway, back to the Magic Kingdom. Vicki had diligently researched the best rides for kids, as well as the best times of day to be on those rides, and this proved to be invaluable. We arrived in time for Samson to have as many rides as he wanted on that carousel, and we didn't wait more than 5 minutes to get in to anything. Which is really important when you're with a one-year-old and a three, I mean, two-year-old.

By the way, meeting Mickey is like getting an audience with the Pope. We happened upon his house and then found ourselves in a line with no indication of what lay ahead. A few minutes later we were ushered, by ourselves, into a room with Mickey. All was still and quiet in the room, and the two employees (or "cast members") motioned that Mickey was ready for us. We took some pictures, and he (meaning Mickey) engaged in what had to be the weirdest pantomime I've ever seen, pointing to the "It's my first visit" button and giving a thumbs up [he does have a thumb] and then offering Sam a high-five.

Sam saw the picture of Minnie and asked where she was, and Mickey pointed to his heart. Which was sweet but prompted Samson to look up at me and ask "Why isn't he talking to me?"

Even so, the look on Samson's face was priceless. Jane, on the other hand, was a little freaked out.