Memo to the monsters in my son's room

To: Monsters, ghosts, phantoms, bad guys et al.
Fr: Brian/Daddy
Re: Late night appearances

It has lately (and I do mean lately) come to my attention that assorted monsters have been appearing in my son's room in the middle of the night. I understand that it's very crowded under his bed and you prefer to wait until dark to get out and stretch your legs. Likewise, I'm sure the closet, especially with the hamper in there, is not the most pleasant place to hide and so a midnight stroll is probably quite refreshing.

Unfortunately, you are scaring the s*#! out of my son. And, selfishly, you are keeping us all awake. Except, of course, for Jane. Who doesn't see you or care about you. At all.

Samson, like his dad at age 4, has a vivid imagination. And we already live in a house with creaky floors and pipes that can sound like something from a Poe story. But you lot are not helping. And despite my best efforts (spreading the invisible bubble shield over Samson's bed, giving him worry dolls for under his pillow, bequeathing him the sacred necklace of Jor-El) nothing seems to work. [That last one may be my fault as they're just Mardi Gras beads with the superman shield on them.]

I understand you've got a job to do, and that your role involves archetypes and subconscious forces concerning the dark that stretch back millenia. It's all very impressive in a freshman-intro-to-anthropology kind of way.

But I'll be honest: It's really not working for us. Perhaps we could arrive at a schedule that would allow you time to be out and roaming around doing your best to terrify, but I hereby request that you cease and desist all activities between the hours of 8 PM and 8 AM, weekends included.

I have so far held back on using the anti-monster spray (cleverly camouflaged to look like Febreze), but if my request is not met, you leave me no other course of action.

Thank you for your attention to this matter.