Does anyone have ESPN's phone number?

We were out to dinner the other night with Vicki's aunt and uncle, and at one point Samson got a hold of the little paper tab that holds the rolled-up napkin and the silverware inside. Lord only knows what it's called in the industry, but for our sake, let's call it a Vigoda --- something that seems inconsequential in the grand scheme of things, but without which, things fall apart. [Be honest: Barney Miller would have been nothing without Fish.]

In any event, in less than the time it took for me to say, "Samson, don't eat that" and reach across the table, he had nearly eaten it.

Now, I'm not a rodeo guy, but I've seen them on TV, and I know the whole point is to see how long a rider can last before being thrown. I bet the same principle could apply to the whole "don't eat that/take that out of your mouth" scenario that happens daily in houses around the world. So I came up with something I'd like to call the Toddler Non-Food Rodeo or TONFRO. [I'm working on a logo.]

The idea is pretty simple really. Take a toddler, put him in proximity of something he is not supposed to put in his mouth --- rug fuzz, car keys, Scooter Libby's letter to Judith Miller --- and then start the clock to see how long it takes for said object to get within inches of his mouth.

I think people would not only watch this, but I can see them betting on it. Different objects could carry different odds, and the kid with the least interest in eating what he's not supposed to is the winner. Which is true anyway. So there's an upside for everyone.

Obviously there would be a safety team there to keep things from actually being eaten, and prize winnings could go into a college fund to keep parents honest.

And I'm sure we could get sponsors like Earth's Best, in the interest of equal time for things that should be eaten.

We could even go NASCAR with it and have the kids wear onesies with their sponsors' logos.

TONFRO. You heard it here first.