Just the facts

I am almost at a loss for words to describe how the day started, so I thought I might try filing this like an AP story.

[Sidenote: I took AP's news-writing test years ago and passed it, but there were no jobs at the time. I think that was probably for the best.]

Samson's room, Aug. 6 --- Chaos ensued this morning after it was discovered that young Samson had removed his diaper at some point during the night and pooped in the crib. The toddler's mother, Vicki, was first on the scene. The situation, however, was not immediately apparent due to the early hour of Samson's waking (6:30 AM, EDT) and to the fact that, by her own admission, his mother sees poorly without her glasses on.

"I heard him calling me, and when I went in I could tell he needed his diaper changed," said Vicki. "But then I picked up La-La, and she was soaking wet, so I thought 'oh, I guess he's spilled his water from his cup.'"

Closer inspection revealed that La-La was soaked in the boy's urine. This revelation quickly led way to Vicki squinting in the room's half-light at what appeared to be "two cookies" in the crib and rapidly discovering that they were not, in fact, baked goods.

Sources close to Samson report that he was put to bed with a properly taped diaper and in a fully snapped onesie. There had also, according to these sources, been no prior indication of the boy's ability to escape the baby-sized cotton unitard.

Speculation concerning a timeline for the unsnapping and subsequent dediapering and pooping point to the early morning hours, but the room is only under audio and not video surveillance.

Reached for comment later that morning, a seemingly unphased Samson was quoted as saying: "Poopah; crib. Sam!" Items in the crib --- including a second La-La (at press time it was unclear if it was #2 or the mysterious and rarely seen #3), several Thomas trains, assorted board books, and a still-full sippy cup --- were summarily bleached and boiled.

Privately, at least one source inside the house is questioning the timing of the event. According to the source --- who spoke on condition of anonymity --- the previous night marked the inaugural reading of a book extolling the virtues of toilet training, which was followed by an earnest discussion on the benefits of underpants.