Lies

One of the most vital but least appreciated parenting skills, I've learned in nearly 3 years as a parent, is the ability to lie. T. Berry Brazelton isn't going to tell you this. Your mom isn't going to tell you this [actually, maybe your mom will, but not mine]. And it isn't in any of those clever Seuss parables the way that other important lessons (like epicurean curiosity or nuclear disarmament) are.

In any event, years from Samson will read this blog. I only hope he can find it in his heart to forgive me.

Lies I told this weekend:

1. "Sorry Samson, we took that book back to the library" --- the book in question, "Strawberry Shortcake's Berry Merry Christmas" is almost as long as Dreiser's American Tragedy and way more tragic. It arrived by way of Vicki's mom, who probably mistook it for one of Vicki's childhood books and almost certainly didn't look inside [Strawberry Shortcake's bluetooth and Huckleberry Pie's baseball hat worn Mike Cameron style would have been dead giveaways]. Said book is not, in fact, at the library but instead is hidden between the wall and the bookshelf. Anyone who puts him wise to its whereabouts will be condemned to read it to him. All 64 pages' worth. It's berry long indeed!

2. "Sorry we can't come to the party, but we already have plans" --- the party in question was a backyard birthday bash for N. Aside from the fact that the heat index yesterday was 105, and that the featured birthday dish was a full lamb on a spit, there's the whole language thing. Our neighbors are Bosnian nationals, as are all their friends, and collectively they speak about three dozen words of English; in fairness, Vicki and I collectively speak no words of Serbo-Croatian. Regardless, nodding and smiling is only fun for so long. Particularly given the fact that apparently people from Bosnia smoke a lot. And by a lot I mean as often as they breathe. I'm not going to get off on a clean air tear here, but I watched one of the guests arrive for the party holding his cellphone and three packs of Marlboros. Even if you were having a party with Keith Richards and Andy Capp, that would be a lot of smokes. Anyway, I lied, and we were spared. Although they did stop by with a lamb shank this morning from the leftovers. What I'd really like is the head, so I could put it on a stake on our front yard. A little Mr. Kurtz maneuver would probably give the miscreant who keeps leaving empty Styrofoam containers in front of my house pause. I digress...

3. "That sound reminds people to pay" --- We were apparently witnesses to someone trying to boost a few back to school clothes from the Banana Republic in the mall. Luckily we didn't have to see them being caught and/or chased, which I'd have to explain as "tag that grown-ups play."

4. "Leaving Iraq would be like repeating Vietnam" --- oh wait, that wasn't me.